Pet Peeves

Here are a few of the things in life that really make my blood boil:

1.  People who talk on the phone too much

-I am not interested in hearing your mundane conversations, inside jokes, business dealings, or otherwise, at any point during the day, whatsoever.  Go outside or downstairs to conduct your personal dealings, please!  Or, get online like everyone else.   The sound of your voice grates on my nerves, when I’m trying to sleep, work, eat, or otherwise exist without inadvertently knowing every detail going on in YOUR annoying existence!  Get OFF the phone!!!  Most people are annoyed by the fact that you called them anyway!  Go meet up somewhere for chrissake!

 

2. People who say “excuse me” on public transportation

-It’s going to be crowded.  Every time.  Just push on by as politely as possible like everyone else, and shut your huge hole.  When you say “excuse me”  you instantly become self-important and irritating, as everyone else on the train or bus can see you and knows people get on and off.  You don’t get to be first just because you have a huge mouth.  Shut up, make your way through, and be done with it.

 

3.  People who talk loudly on public transportation

-See #2 and #1 above, and combine the concepts.  I mean, one  guy on the Fetra made a call to a someone to apologize for the loss of the person’s father, and to reminisce about the deceased aloud in mourning.  Dude, couldn’t that wait until you get home??  Now we’re all depressed and we don’t even know you!

 

4.  Dumb bitches being rude and shady to me at Lenscrafters

-Yesterday, at Lenscrafters, I had a rather irksome experience.  So, there is this guy Rodney who always helps me, ok?  And he always is quick and nice and helpful, and I appreciate him greatly for this.  Well yesterday, this random B kept butting in with some sense of minor and forced authority, and proceeded to first try and overcharge me by $15 a box on a year’s supply of contacts.  That would have cost me almost twice the original price when added up, mind you! Then, she refused to give me a sample pair while i wait for mine to be delivered.  So I am stuck in my scratched up and abused wrong prescription old glasses for god knows how long until they can get me my contacts in the mail.  And rodney gave me samples of my new ‘tacts before!  She was like “we don’t have those here they have to be special ordered.”  I almost said something but I was on a time crunch on my lunch hour, and also her hair was slicked back on her head and she has beady eyes so I thought she might whip out a tail rattle and sink her fangs into my calf if I moved too quickly.  Dumb bitch I think I’ll go back there today after work and demand some random Acuvues to hold me over until my new eyes arrive.  Or, I’ll just buy my new glasses and make sure Rodney gets a commission off them and NOT her, because Rodney said he’d help me pick out glasses that fit my face shape and coloring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  HA!!!!!!!!!!

5.  When you leave time left on the microwave

-Don’t do that, press clear after you’re done using it.  Close its door too, cuz that makes me even angrier.

The End

**Those of you who know me (amid the undoubtedly millions of diehard Crummity fans) can probably guess that this is quite the abbreviated version of the complete list of things that irritate me.  I think I deserve a round of applause**

Questions You Should REALLY Ask on a Job Interview

c/o the illustrious Ms. Kate Streit

1.  Do you have blocked web sites?

2.  Do you monitor employees’ online activities?

3.  Do you have cliques?

4.  Do most employees have a life outside of work?  Or is work the love of their lives aka will they make you miserable if you do such a shocking thing as leaving your desk for lunch?

5.  Are there mandatory activities that take place outside of working hours?

6.  If so, are you paid for such hours?

7.  Will you call/e-mail/or text me outside of working hours?

8.  Are there many Baby Boomers in office, and if so, are they up to date on technology?

9.  Once I’ve been there 6 months or so, is it ok for me to come and go as I please, at any times I deem convenient for myself?

10.  Can I retire at the age of 30 with 95% of my salary and continued health benefits and insurance?

Thank you for your time!  I’ll call YOU.

These are the questions we should REALLY ask on our job interviews. 

St. Ive’s Apricot Scrub Fails All Tests Miserably

St. Ive’s will make you break out.  Sure it almost gets points for smelling good, but then you glance at the bottle and the little picture of what I presume is supposed to be an Apricot pit on the front looks a lot like a fossilized testicle and just freaks me out.  So, I get distracted from the good smell and hence its only would-be benefit is cancelled out.

It hurts your face too.  I think the reason I have 100 million underground zits forming right at this very moment must be because I have millions of microscopic scrapes covering the skin of my face which are all now getting infected because they didn’t warn me that I should go to bed with Neosporin covering my entire face after using Apricot Scrub.  But that would probably make me break out too.  Although Sara Schramm never seemed to noticeably break out from covering her entire visage with Vasoline each night in the dorm.  Interesting.  She was a foul-smelling freak though so that gets cancelled out too.

St. Ive’s Apricot Scrub is a void of lies and acne, mixed in with pain, deceit, and the feeling of sand in your vag.  Except it’s on your face.

My Slow Descent….Into Alcohoism, it Went

Who wants to hear lamentations about my current state of unemployment?

It’s my degenerate assumption that not a single person would raise his/her hand in regards to the aforementioned question. However, due to my self-absorbed demeanor I need an avenue to express to all just how miserable I am. Also, I’m beginning to feel copious amounts of guilt about the endless hours I spend whining and complaining to one specific person. (Though, I’m eternally grateful for his patience) I need to take this moment to tell you to thank your lucky stars you can’t hear the elongated whines that emanate from my scratchy throat.

I’ve decided to examine people who, perhaps I’m just jealous of, but have jobs for doing NOTHING!

Trust Fund Babies (Obvious and cliche, I know)

Wow, congratulations on your accomplishment, birth!

Stage Moms (Yea, I’m talking about you Dina Lohan)

Wow, congratulations on your accomplishment, giving birth!

Lauren Conrad (Yea, I watch The Hills, but still!)

Gee, you’re pretty and grew up in an equally pretty environment. I guess “South Side: Lansing” with all its blue collar steel workers and teenage to mid twenties car clubs just wouldn’t have made for such aesthetically pleasing television.

Tucker Max (You may not know this one, tuckermax.com)

You know who else gets black out wasted and sleeps with randoms met on the corner? ME!!!!!! But do I get to make money because of it? NO! Instead I lose money and have this weird unexplainable rash. (Ok, just kidding about the rash thing)

Joe Francis (The guy who created Girls Gone Wild)

You know what every other guy like Joe Francis is called? A sex offender

Heather Mills

You think being married to Paul McCartney for a little while entitles you to one of the biggest divorce settlements in history? C’mon, a new artificial leg doesn’t cost THAT much. You were married to a Beatle, what else do you want!?

Reality TV Offenders

William Hung made a career out of being a horrible singer.

All those Real World fuckers who have been on countless challenges like Cagematch Real World vs. Road Rules 279: Battle of the Pushing 30 Talentless, Listless Nobodies (with some “average” run of the mill nobodies thrown in for good measure.)

George Bush

Enough said.

Perhaps I’ll one day become one of these people I’ve so eloquently blasted on the internet. Since I’m not one yet, I say, “fuck ‘em!”

We live in America so I’m sure I’m missing countless others. Feel free to add to this list. I’m always looking for more people to hate.

(Also, I’d like to thank the New Pornographers for their inspirational song title which I stole to name my post. I need to thank Kate as well for suggesting a couple of the worthless nobodies.  Kate herself is not worthless, most of the time.)

Poor Lost Asian Girls

So this past Saturday, as I attempted to make a quick trip from the Logan Square Blue stop to the Cumberland one, where Diane Kronberg so kindly awaited me (as I’d left my car at the restaurant drunkenly the night before), there came to be a snafu in my travels.  They forced the whole train to unload at Montrose, take a bus to Jeff Park, and then reload to continue on.

WHY?!  Construction in between?!  I have no idea.  It took about 20 minutes out of my day.  And I was hungover and I hate buses.  They’re only fixing the CTA because the Daleys want the Olympics here anyway damnit.  As soon as we don’t get them the project will remain unfinished I’m sure!  I could have that horribly skewed but regardless, it was annoying.

Also I saw 2 poor lost asian girls drinking milk in 80 degree weather with huge suitcases, chattering away in… Chinese? I’m not sure.  But when the train stopped abruptly they looked around them rather frantically, clearly foreign and not understanding the driver’s voice over the PA thingy.  As everyone rose and they debated between themselves, I rose from my chair and nobly commanded their gaze upon me.  I then beckoned encouragingly that they should follow everyone else out.  Clearly with their suitcases they were going to Ohare and needed to continue on North, not bounce back on the line down to the Loop!  So I felt I should assist them.

However,  being hungover and dehydrated as I was, the effort tired me greatly and after the beckoning I simply resumed shuffling up to the waiting bus with the others.  I sat on the bus and started to get nervous when I didn’t see them, I now felt responsible for their plight.  Oh no, the bus started!  Where are you Fukme and Fukyu!!?!  I craned my neck as the bus bizzounced around the corner to see if they were coming up the escalator but I never saw them again.  To this day.  I hope they made their flight safely.  I’m sorry little foreigners!!  It wasn’t my fault!!!  It was the vodka/sodas + lemon (delicious).  They made my brain hurt and I lost the will!

 

Epilogue:

Strangely, after this happened, I must have been really disheartened by my half-assed and failed good deed attempt, because another woman tried to ask me for help and I refused her.  I don’t even know why.  Maybe you can help me figure this out…

So, the refused.  She was coincidentally also Asian, and in a blinding lime green shirt but speaking (accented) English.  She asked me “where it is?” while on the bus.  I tried to say “I don’t know” because I didn’t — I’d never even been to the Montrose stop before.  She didn’t like that however, and kept asking me the same question in progressively angrier and harsher tones!  I finally said, crabbier than I meant to probably,

“Just follow everyone!”

She narrowed her eyes at me, slowly nodding and then, venemously:

“Oh.  Oh, yeah OKAY. YEAH.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I mean what?!  Get off and follow everyone to get back on the line!  Isn’t it obvious!  And I said I didn’t know!  My own plan was truthfully to follow the crowd back up to the next train.  She gets off the bus pushing people and running, and asks an employee:

“I’m going to Rosemont?!?!”

“That way.”  The worker points to the people milling towards the new train.

“Oh.”  She follows the rest of our busload.

 

I should have made sure those lost milk chuggers found their way to the bus, then maybe God wouldn’t have told lime green snake woman to make my headache worse.  Also, she sat across from me on the next train.  I refused to look at her but I felt her hatred upon me.

I guess all I have left to say is… I guess I should be more sensitive.  But I will confess: I LICKED ALL THE SPOONS!!!  SOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

And in case you were wondering I made it to the salon on time.