Awkward and Incriminating Outbursts

So, I started a new job this week.  Brand freaking new rookie here, I’m on my 5th day tomorrow morning!  As you might imagine, this status comes with a certain degree of nervousness, and maybe even feelings of paranoia (well, it is me we’re talking about).  I know jack shit so far and am trying to retain every piece of info as fast as possible. Given this, I find myself recently to be quite “highly attuned” at every single second of the day.  For example, I’m noticing lots of things I used to take for granted, like wearing clothes and speaking.

I feel an overbearing need to don clothes that look like everyone else’s, and also a strange urge to utilize the never-before-seen filter between my brain and my mouth.  I.e. I feel I must not say things that will make me appear “weird” or awkward in any way.  It’s been pretty difficult so far.  I mean I can’t just go around telling everyone about “Grizzly Dads” and laughing about poo and balls constantly, while also randomly extending my thumbs for arbitrary insertion, “BRATWURST!” style.

SO, as hopefully you can imagine, this “getting to know things” stage is rather taxing on my poor, aged, and long term alcohol abuse-dulled brain this week.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE this new company– location, people, actual work –everything already.  BUT.  I feel like since I’m so paranoid about hiding my true self until I get to know people (and/or become good enough at the job where people respect me and so I can say and do whatever I want anyway), I keep blurting out random TMI’s and awkwardly incriminating statements all the time, especially in the presence of my new boss.

Maybe I’m making a bigger deal out of it than it actually is, but this morning when my boss and a coworker told me they didn’t realize how long my hair was (I had worn it up until today) I started extrapolating on my showering regimen and why my hair was down as opposed to when it’s up because that’s when I shower in the morning and oh.. they stopped talking.  They’re kinda staring.

“Oh yeah well… I just got it cut recently do you believe that?  …yeah umm… well YOUR hair is REALLY CUTE!!  Really.  It’s so… neat.” (It’s a pixie bob type thing and really blonde.  Actually is super cute.  And I choose… “neat” ?!?!).  Neat-o.

Then there was the time where on my first day, my boss and HER boss took me out to lunch at Shaw’s Crab House.  So first I’m sitting there internally spazzing about what to order - they’re way richer and more important than me and I don’t want to look stupid for ordering something too cheap or too expensive — when they start talking about the Bears’ Cedric Benson and his most recent accomplishment, a boating DUI.

“Oh my god I mean the cops had to MACE HIM!”

Having recently been ARRESTED MYSELF–for having a can of beer… although I’m 24 years old… yeah — on my beloved alma mater campus, at an annual block party that used to be one of the best days of the year… my brain gets angry at/for me.  My mouth opens:

“Yeah well also sometimes cops just get on huge power trips and abuse people for no reason, that’s just how they get their joys out of life and it’s really not fair a lot of the time.”

Silence…staring…

Kelly (my boss): “Yeah well you know all those pro sports players are such divas though they just think they can get away with anything.”

Me: “Oh totally, so true.  You’re right though they are yes,” (she’s right but what the fuck did I just say?!?!)

Kelly: “I’ve never been arrested or anything like THAT anyway so I wouldn’t know though hahahaha!!”

Me:  “Mm.”  I chug my Diet Pepsi dry.

Then there was the time when I asked about how the hours work, since they say 8:30 - 5 and I’m on salary, yet we have hour lunches and are supposed to work 40 hours a week.  I somehow impressively managed to word it exactly in a way which made it sound like I was trying to see exactly how little I could work each day.

“So, we don’t punch in or anything right?  And it’s salary, so..”

Kelly: “Yeah well unfortunately, Doug (her boss) is really strict about it, so we don’t get Flex Hours like some of the departments.  But if you want to bend the rules eventually after you’ve been here for a while, I don’t see why n…”

Me: “Oh no, no no no no!!!  I’m just not used to… I just… I always used to work 8-5 so I was so surprised that I got a break by having it be an 8:30 start time!!”

Oh.  My.  God.  Tell me.  Help me people.  Did I make my boss think I’m a lazy manipulator who tries to do as little work as possible, showers obscenely infrequently, and gets arrested for beating up cops with their own nightsticks?

Or am I just paranoid?

Or is it somewhere in between?

I’m pretty sure, as my loving boyfriend so fondly puts it, that I’m “a little peculiar,” which could account for this recent highly guarded sense of conversation, as opposed to my normal verbal diarrhea.  I only hope I can find a kindred soul or two somewhere in my group of new coworkers relatively soon, so that at least if I have to small talk with people about weddings and shopping and work very much longer, I at least have a confidante to rest a piece of my true soul with from time to time.  Ok so that was dramatic.

I do know that at least one person on my team is in 2nd City.  I bet he knows what the Hot Carl is and has seen at least a few episodes of “Flight of the Conchords.”  Maybe there will be others too.

Otherwise, I’m going to have to settle for purely working while I’m at work.  Which could/will eventually be made enjoyable by the re-institution of Gchat into my life.  Don’t get me wrong, I am honestly and truly grateful for the opportunity I have right now, and definitely excited about the work aspect for sure.  But I do think some sort of outlet for the true Big Kris — and soon — would help me avoid some of these awkward outbursts.   Otherwise, I’m doomed to remain acutely aware that each time I open my mouth there is a high chance that what comes out will severely threaten my facade of sanity and normalcy.

“I have a small mouth, so when I give head I get cuts on my lips”

Umm I mean I’ll have the sushi/asian salad combo.

Thank god it’s the weekend =)

Tags: awkwardness, career, conversation, coworkers, culture, embarassing moments, Food, new job, work