El Station Heist
June 24, 2008 by skobergOk so there was no heist (that I’m aware of) but I really wanted to use the word heist. Maybe one day there will be one. Staged by me. Which I shall then write about.
Anyway, this morning I was walking at superhuman speeds through the Clark/Lake train station, as always, trying to get to work no later than 4 minutes late, when I noticed a young man looking fearfully behind himself towards me at frequent intervals. The thought crossed through my mind that he somehow feared I was endangering his safety, or was trying to subliminally convey otherwise that I should keep my distance somehow. He kept looking back then speeding up and changing his path. Regardless, I kept following him as fast as I could. He was taking all my normal routes, what could I do!
Then he veered towards the 2nd escalator, and I took the stairs. I normally take the 2nd escalator too, even though no one WALKS up it, and instead stands there completely lazily, oblivious to the fact that I AM IN A RUSH. This is a snag in my journey, because I can’t figure out if the stairs are faster or not. Also I try to avoid pit sweat, which means no stairs if I can help it. But, last night I had too much spaghetti so I had wanted to take the stairs today, in a feeble attempt to ward off the horrible fate of thunder thighs that inevitably awaits me should I continue to enjoy pasta so dearly.
However, I now became conflicted about this decision. The reason being, this guy was trying to avoid me! On account of his severe silliness in being afraid of me, or irritated by my close pursuit, whatever was the case (I do hope it was fear), I naturally became overwhelmingly tempted to follow him all the way out of the station. I wanted to stomp heavily behind him and breathe on his neck a little bit, maybe even let out a few fake coughs while I was at it. Bump his bag so he thought I was robbing him? Mutter “curses” under my breath. BWAHAHHAA!
I mean really ~ I am wearing a pencil skirt with a beaded and flowing Guess shirt, did my hair wavy and had most of my makeup on before leaving the house today. What the F was he so averse to?! What kind of threat could this poor man’s Kate Hudson possibly behold for a young and clueless intern (presumably by his age) at 8:20 a.m. with scores of people around us? If he was merely annoyed at my perpetual closeness, GET OVER IT. IT’S A TRAIN STATION IT HAPPENS. EVERY DAY. If he was jealous of my record-breaking walking speeds, well you’ll learn my dense young boy, someday. If it was sheer terror upon sensing the extent of my powers… then I should have kept following him. It would have been hilarious. Tomorrow I’m going to flat-out chase someone outta there, poking them in the back and muttering with my eyes rolled back into my head. Young Rashid, you’ve given me a whole new idea on personal glory. Too bad you had to be such a freak or this would have never happened.
Anyone know somewhere I can purchase a nightstick? I think it will enhance the effect.